All I ever wanted was to feel safe again. I worked so hard but nothing ever changed. At every step I faced more and more opposition. Even spaces I thought would always stand with survivors failed oh so painfully and so much worse than I ever thought they could. Enough people told me enough times that it was my fault, that I was out of line, that I believe it now. It’s not gaslighting if it’s true. Just because I think I’m right doesn’t mean I am. Just because I call myself a survivor doesn’t mean I don’t deserve what you all did to me. I don't even feel like I deserve to take up space here tonight by submitting my narrative. I should never have said anything. It wasn't worth it. I should have just kept my head down, let everyone think everything was fine, dated you, said yes to everything you wanted without needing to be convinced, accepted your version of events as truth, drowned any lingering discomfort in the alcohol you encouraged me to drink and the pleasure your hands ripped out of me, agreed with you when you all came after me saying I was wrong. It would have been so much less painful. It would have been so much easier to just let it all happen. Why couldn't I have just accepted that you were right and never thought about it again? I'll keep this short since I feel like I'm taking up space I don't deserve. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't stand this place. I can’t stand my own body. I don’t know how to stop thinking about myself as anything other than deserving of harm. And I still have the rest of my life to live with nothing other than these feelings. I can't even believe my own story, thanks to all of you. The pain of violence and fear and shame is all that's left of me anymore.