I wasn't going to write this. I‘ve done this before and told everyone about how I was raped by someone I was close friends with. About how a guy who was sober kept trying to hook up with me and touch me when I was too drunk and we were sharing a bed at a friends house. Two years ago I read my narrative onstage and since then I’ve been fighting a battle for control over my own body.
I wasn't going to write this because I'm sick and tired of dealing with this bullshit.
Last night my uber driver tried to assault me. I was drunk coming home from my friend’s date party at BU and my phone died right before my car was going to arrive. I saw an uber parked with the lights flashing and assumed it was for me since there was no one else around. I got in and realized it wasn't the right car but the man didn’t speak english very well and said it was ok, he would take me anyway. I figured I’d lucked out and put in my address as we drove away. Normally I’d never get into a car that wasn’t mine but I was wasted and didn’t have another way home. He apologized for his English and said my name was pretty. I started to get uncomfortable when he adjusted the GPS and then moved his hand down to caress my thigh. Thank fucking god he had a phone charger and I was able to text someone. I messaged my friend how gross he was being but I was in Boston on the highway so I was still far away from home. A few minutes went by and I stayed texting my friend when he touched my leg again. I moved it away from him and let out a nervous laugh but I started to get really freaked out. I couldn't report him on uber or use any of the safety features the app provides because he wasn’t supposed to be my driver so I had no record of him or the ride. We hit traffic for a moment in Harvard square and he turned to me and said, “you look tired” and reached over and stroked his hand all the way down the side of my face and arm and across my leg. “Please don’t touch me” I blurted out, half angrily half pleadingly. I knew I had to get out. The car was stopped at a red light and I hurriedly said thank you and that I’d just get out here. The door was locked and I couldn't find the unlock button. I panicked and scrambled, knowing that these few seconds could mean I wouldn't be able to get away if he had a weapon. He grabbed my leg much more forcefully this time when I finally was able to get the door open, “I’m sorry Dakota” he said said still squeezing my leg. “Please don't touch me” I yelled as I launched myself out of the seat and broke free from his grasp. I slammed the door behind me and ran toward the intersection where there were more people. I texted my friend and boyfriend what happened as I called a second car. I got home about 10 minutes later and cried myself to sleep.
This afternoon I saw a news report that a student at the university of south carolina was attacked and killed after she got into a car she thought was her uber coming home from a bar.
I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. The guys that get handsy with me at a bar, the PTSD flashbacks, the bullshit excuses everyone makes for perpetrators they’re friends with. It’s hard to feel like you’re in control of any part of yourself when people around you keep taking away your autonomy, walking right through your boundaries, abruptly and without asking. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m being punched in the chest when I see my assailants talking to my friends. I’m sick and tired of being triggered every day. It’s taken me years to learn how to say no and speak up when I’m uncomfortable. It’s great to know that doesn’t matter because they'll do whatever they want anyway.