It’s astonishing How the brain initially protects us from trauma Then suddenly decides when it’s time To allow us into more pain As soon as I’d felt like I’d made a lot of progress in healing From my first abuser You entered my mind You The second man who assaulted me You Were one of my close friends Our parents are still best friends Everytime your name comes out of my mother’s mouth With a new update about your life I feel myself go completely numb You’re charming and successful I hate that about you
The moment you popped back into my head So did that night It wouldn’t stop replaying (It sometimes still doesn’t) I didn’t really leave my bed for a few days after remembering What you did For days my best friend had to bring me food and sit with me While I cried My best friend is a fucking angel and still sits with me when I cry about you
I hate that you still make me cry On my 22nd birthday You texted me “happy birthday” Part of me feels like I can’t be mad That you texted me because I don’t even know If you understand what you did to me I still think about that night You assaulted me Half an hour after you forced yourself on me I asked to talk I told you that I hadn’t said yes To what you did to me In fact I had explicitly said no Several times You got defensive I “wanted it” I told you never mind I guess it was because I had consented to other things we did We were drunk I liked you That I couldn’t justify my disgust and pain
A few months ago I heard from a friend that someone had accused you of sexual assault You had denied it It makes me feel crazy To think That you did this to someone else too When I got your birthday text I felt Fucking horrible I sobbed for an hour I tried to enjoy the rest of the night but you loitered in my mind What gives you the right to infiltrate my life You’ve violated me enough
In a speech Tarana Burke gave She encouraged survivors to untether ourselves from our abusers I’m trying I’m trying so fucking hard In a lot of ways I have But you still make me cry