I’m not particularly sure what I want to say here, I just know I don’t want to say nothing anymore.
It happened over a year ago, right after I got back from winter break. I went to a frat party with my friends, and underestimated my tolerance since it was the first weekend back. I remember seeing everyone for the first time again, dancing in the basement, playing too many games of pong, and then leaving to go uphill with my friends. Sitting in a friend's room eating pizza is the last thing I fully remember from that night. I vaguely remember him texting me, checking to see if my roommate was in my room, and him meeting me outside my building. I try to forget the bits and pieces I do remember of drunkenly undressing him, going down on him, fumbling on top of him, and falling asleep next to him feeling so empty inside.
The next morning I woke up with him still in my bed, and I pretended I was still sleeping until he left. He left with an awkward look and goodbye, and we ignored each other for a month after that. I told myself that if I changed my sheets, washed my clothes, and took a shower, that I could pretend that that night didn't happen. I had to laugh it off when a friend on my floor asked me about the boy he saw me with last night, when I had no recollection of seeing my friend in our common room the night before. I had to pretend that everything was fine when I finally did talk to him about it, so that we could go on being friends again.
I’m not sure what’s the worst thing about this situation though, that I really complicated one of my genuinely good friendships, or the fact that he’ll never know why I still have such issues with him today, because I just go on pretending that everything is fine.