I was coming back from a quidditch team bonding, and I was quite drunk.
I remember It was late. I remember being walked back to my dorm by my friends and teammates.
I remember he shouldn’t have been in my room. He was with my friends who were walking me home. I thought he was my friend too. They were suppose to put me to bed. I remember he should not have been in my bed.
I don’t remember much from that night, but I remember trying to push him off of me. I remember feeling weak as I was being crushed under his weight. I remember a moment of panic when I realized he was inside me without a condom. I remember him leaving me there in the dark when it was over and rushing out of the room.
I don’t remember much from that night. But I remember the morning after.
I remember waking up and not knowing why I was naked. I remember feeling a distinct pain in my crotch. I remember the moment when I realized what had happen. I remember crying because I didn't know who was in my bed that night. I remember realizing what had happened to me. I remember crying because the same thing had happened to me 8 months earlier.
I remember having to message every guy I faintly recalled seeing that night to ask if they had stayed over. I remember the moment I found out who it was, and I found out he had a girlfriend. That he cheated on her by raping me. Can you even call if cheating if it wasn't consensual? He denied anything had happen - we just made out for a bit and then he left, he said. He said he was drunk and I said he could crash in my room if he wanted to - I don’t know how he interpreted that as an invitation for sex, and I don’t know how he interpreted that as “sleep in my bed - sleep with me.” He denied anything happened. And even though I didn't remember the night, I knew he was lying. But I didn’t say anything. I was powerless without my memory to back up my words.
I remember telling my friends about it. And I remember them asking me why I drank so much that night. I remember the gut wrenching pain I felt from these words, words that were familiar to me from the last time this happened. I remember my friends looking at me awkwardly and telling me that “he was really drunk - he didn’t know what he was doing - he didn’t mean it”. But he was sober enough to leave after it was done. To undress me. To force himself on me. To cum in me. But he was drunk so it’s ok. Right? I remember being heartbroken that my friends refused to see this man, their friend and one of the best players on our team, as a rapist. "he's such a sweetie though!!" They always are.
I remember swallowing my pride and facing him the next day at practice as if nothing happened.
I remember walking to CVS by myself and buying a $40 Plan B pill, since health services was closed.
I remember laying in my bed the rest of the night curled up in a ball trying to come to terms with what happened. I remember the racing thoughts that tried to tell me it was my fault. It's hard to argue when you feel the whole world isn't on your side. When your own friends aren't on your side.
I don’t remember much from that night. But I remember I was raped.