Hooking up with someone freshman year is exhilarating: the freedom, the emotional roller coasters, the expectations (or lack thereof). Hooking up with an older student as a freshman is even more exciting: the potential, the invites to parties, the experiences.
I liked him but I didn't want to, and when he went abroad I was sad but not necessarily sorry. He made my blood rush when he texted me, but would disappoint me when he wouldn't, and I knew it was smarter to let go than stay attached and expect more. But I thought about him a lot. More than I wanted to.And then one day he came back from abroad, and when he texted me at midnight after leaving Winter Ball, I felt a magnet drawing me towards him as I imagined his goofy smile and his blue eyes. I hadn't been able to get a ticket for the event, and had stayed home. He said he so much to tell me about his time abroad, how he missed me, and apologies that were never given before he'd left.
It never occurred to me, the trusting girl whose mother always said never to let boys in her room, that the boy who I allowed into my dorm room to “apologize” for his past wrongdoings, would refuse to leave and sit on top of me, forcibly attempting to have sex with me. My physical and mental strength were enough to overpower my would-be rapist.This strength was not enough, however, to stop the pain that would be inflicted during the assault - mainly emotional.
It is often said that after a traumatic experience, memory lapses are normal - a way of coping. The chaos that ensued after the assault is a blur to me. After he left at 4:30 in the morning, I sat on the floor and rocked myself for hours. I couldn't look at myself. I couldn't bear it. I bleached my sheets and threw out the blanket. I didn’t sleep at all for three days. I called a friend who was across the country and sobbed and sobbed until I think that even he didn’t know what to do but cry and be angry. I put on the bravest face I had when my brother and sister-in-law visited that weekend, but it cracked when I had to confront what really had happened and tell the story to the fraternity president who informed me that he “was not surprised” and had “heard stories about this kid before” and “want[ed] to help [me] but wasn’t sure how to go about it because going to the police would result in a lot of emotional chaos and drama, as well as create more problems within the fraternity”.
Later, the president would tell me that since there was no physical proof and that it was my word versus my assaulter’s, the best conclusion, in terms of keeping me safe, was for me to stay away from the guy and the fraternity, and for the guy to stay away from me, essentially barring me from any and all activities that could involve the house or the brothers, including some Greek life activities.
No one called my perpetrator out for his actions, and their silence clearly stated that I should move on. My friends stopped inviting me out if our groups overlapped, and I lost a group within which I felt comfortable and a part of. It was easier, I guess, to pretend that I was the one who didn't fit rather than their brother and their peer.Have you ever been let down by not just someone you loved, but the community you felt you were a part of? Have you ever felt that you had to relinquish your power because of someone else's actions?
I spent my sophomore year napping, high, and hiding in my room. I feared social events where males would be present, the brothers who knew the story, and the perpetrator himself. I failed my classes, never went to my internship, lost my friends, and worse, lost myself. My identity had to be altered to add the word "survivor" to it - and it took so long to turn my world right side up and accept that that's a part of me now, but by no means a definition.
The ways this incident changed me are infinite; I walk around campus and I think about how much is the same, and how much has changed. I hear stories of girls liking boys, boys bragging about their weekend conquests, and drunk adventures. I will never be able to laugh carelessly at these things again; the smile on my face will never be mirrored in my eyes. In every single instance, I question, weigh pros and cons, and come up with situations, both happy and sad.I wish that no one had to second guess the world around them.