It was the first weekend of my freshman year. My pre-orientation leader told me that all of the pretty girls went home with someone after Fall Ball. I flirted with a cute guy at our pre-game. We found each other in Gantcher, and I said yes when he asked me to hang out after dancing together all night.
We went back to Lewis and he kicked his roommate out. I remember making out for a really long time. I remember lying on his bed facing the wall to go to sleep and him being behind me. I remember hearing him rustling for something in his desk, which I guess was a condom. I said, "I don't want to have sex" and he said "Okay." I turned around and we kept making out. We started cuddling, and I turned around to face the wall again so we could spoon and go to sleep. The next thing I remember is him having sex with me. He didn't say anything. He just did it. I didn't say anything. I just waited for it to be over, and wondered how on earth I was going to explain this to the boy from home I was still in an open relationship with. I stayed the night because I didn't know where I was and I didn't want to speak to him or have to get up and find my clothes in the dark. When I left the next morning, I had to ask for directions to South Hall because I had never been to Lewis before and blacked out getting there.
He doesn't know he raped me. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He texted me the next morning to tell me the condom broke and asked me if I was on the pill. He apologized for being "really drunk," not for having sex with me after I said no.
My boyfriend from high school told me it wasn't rape because I didn't push him off me. He told me it wasn't rape because I stayed the night. He told me it wasn't rape because I had given him my phone number. He told me it wasn't rape because I had a similar experience in high school, and "the same person just doesn't get raped twice." I didn't break up with him for another month because I believed him.
I know now that I was raped. I see him on campus and I can't forget it. But he doesn't know he raped me, and I don't think he even knows who I am.