My boyfriend kissed me gently. “Are you sure?” he asked, as he reached for his condom. “Yes,” I whispered. Gently and slowly, he slid his condom on and then slid inside of me. I froze and looked away, letting out one gasp of pain, as my body began to quake. “Are you ok?” he said. “Yes,” I said, “go.” Gently, he moved in me. I stared away, looking at the flames of the candles he had lit for me, for us. For our first time. The flames grow and blind me, until I am no longer here, I am there.
It’s too hot to be comfortable… I sleep in my underwear, as sweat continues to stick on my body. I stumble out of bed, and go to the bathroom (if you can call it that… there was no running water). I throw up the almost empty contents of my stomach, besides the toxic combination of medicine I was on to control my illness. Unable to lift my body, my head rested on the cool porcelain lidless rim of the toilet, until I can I crawl back to bed. My roommate is deeply asleep, having taken medication, her deep audible breaths lull me as the gentle buzz of the light outside my window attracts creatures to it, it’s warmth drying out the humid Indian night.
I used to have one of those unapologetically fleshy bodies, like you might see in a renaissance painting, with soft women who were confident in their health and sensuality. I was once those things, I felt young and invincible. But just as I was emerging into my female body, it was taken from me.
I layed in that bed, unable to move myself, and I was hallucinating, I was caught between a dream and real life. I saw animals break through the screen mesh that served as my window… two elephants with their trunks began to touch my body. They pulled at my few garments… aggressively pulling prodding… I thought I was asleep, I thought it was a nightmare… I was shaking. I vomited all over myself, and I couldn’t move. I tried to lift my limbs, but something sharp against my breast was holding me down. Suddenly there was a sharp, stabbing pain inside me, piercing the lips between my legs and quickly entering me. I cried and shook as much as I could, as hard as I could. The elephant pushed harder, as the other stick punctured my breast. I found the strength to pull the stick away, and bang on my window. I fell out of my bed, and I tried to pull it away from the monsters. But I couldn’t. Blood was dripping down the inside of my legs. I collapsed on the ground, and sobbed, staying there until morning. My roommate remained asleep, her breaths carrying me from one nightmare to another.
I woke up on the floor, before my roommate did. I saw what was around me, and I felt a deep pain inside by abdomen. I saw the mess that was made. The vomit, the blood. Two sticks were sticking out of the mesh wires in the window. I didn’t believe it. I convinced myself that I was menstruating, and I simply bled in access. I cleaned what I could, and I tried to tend to my body. Even as I pulled splinters and bark from the flesh between my legs, I managed to convince myself that it was a nightmare for three years. When I was informed that witnesses reported that two trusted men had been seen “loitering” around my window, I withdrew, refusing to consciously acknowledge my attack.
The first time we tried to have sex, I cried and began shaking uncontrollably. He didn’t understand, because I didn’t explain it to him. He didn’t ask, he just held me. I didn't tell him until we'd been together for most of our adult lives, and not until much after I began to admit it to myself.
My body is slowly starting to feel like mine again, even though it’s never been the same. I’ve become a shell of myself, of my sexuality. After three years, I still don’t hold the same confidence, passion, and comfort within my body. After three years, I still have a small panic attack every time someone says that someone has a stick up their ass. After three years, I still have to leave the room when someone uses the word “rape” in a way I was not prepared for. After three years, parts of me still doubt parts of my attack to be real. And after three years, I still blame myself.