I guess the only things I felt were shock and numbness. Out of everyone in this world, you were the last one I would have ever expected to break my trust, my heart, my body. In the days that followed "the event" I was in such denial. I knew that you had been drinking at DTD, but I didn't realize how intoxicated you actually were. You don't remember how you had guilted me, how you were violent and threatening and forceful. When you asked me to tell you what happened the next day, I couldn't even speak the words that were screaming in my chest and suffocating my mind. "You raped me!! You destroyed me!" I should have shouted. I wanted to forget everything, block it out of my memory and have no recollection of that night, just like you. Instead, I carry the full weight of your violation on my shoulders. But still I'm so conflicted. You were my best friend. Every day I have fought back the urge to run to you and share my story of this monster that has broken me, but I have to stop myself because you are the monster. You are the brick wall that fell in the middle of my clear path.
But we were the hugs that we shared, the hours of laughs and giggles, the guilty little smiles we would try to hide when we texted each other while in the same room. Now the hugs, the laughs, the smiles are gone. I look at you and first feel fear, but then its a bitter reminisce of the love and happiness I felt towards you, a yearning for what we were and what we could have been.
All I want is the old you, but instead I have my monster.