The morning after I woke up, not remembering what had happened after we kissed. I knew she was probably straight but didn’t want to question it because I liked her and was happy she had kissed me.
But that morning everything hurt. After being awake for a few hours there was some blood staining my underwear. It was two weeks before my period was meant to start, so I knew it wasn’t that. I had to go on a train for four hours and was glad I had enough painkillers to get me through so I could actually sit down without it making me hurt so much that I was dizzy. I still didn’t know what had happened – I thought maybe I had drunk much more than I thought and that was why I didn’t remember.
That wasn’t the reason. About four months later I remembered everything. At least I think it’s everything. It hit me all at once – I could feel her pressing down on me as I tried to push her off, or push her hand away from me. She took both of my hands in one of hers and squeezed my wrists so hard that I had faint bruises the next day. I couldn’t move them. I tried to push her away with my knees or turn away from her but she was on top of me and I couldn’t move. It hurt so much. The worst thing was that it wasn’t like I had never imagined having sex with her. And that made me think that I deserved this.
I happened to see her a few weeks ago. It brought everything back, and the flashbacks started. The one thing I’m thankful for is that now there are people around me who will listen and reassure me that it was not my fault and I don’t have to deal with it alone.