so i'm really having a bad moment now because i've started thinking about it again and i keep thinking the word rape and i feel so guilty thinking that word i don't feel like i'm allowed to use that word what happened to me couldn't be that because i loved him and i still love him and i've completely separated him from what he did to me i don't hate him i don't dislike him i barely even resent him for it anymore and i'm so scared of that what am i doing how could i of all people not want to hold him accountable i keep wanting to bring it up with him again and use that word with him but i'm so afraid of what he'll do i'm so afraid that he'll get mad or that he'll be devastated that i could say something like that to him i'm such a fucking idiot and it's all because i love him i fucking hate myself and i wish this never happened god i just want to forget all of this why did this have to happen to me