Semester 1 ~ 2017 Whirlwind of Excitement and Deception
College started off with quite a bang At least for me, it literally did Very soon, I had my first everything Kiss Fuck Boyfriend Love (?) Assault
There was a lot of partying, drinking, and fun I made some amazing friends I thought I was in love I was so happy I could not find a single thing wrong with him But could not see that I was being mistreated and lied to How can you not see something right in front of your eyes?
Semester 2 ~ 2018 Fuck Him and Fuck Loneliness
First heartbreak It tore me to shreds when I found out the truth I remember crying for an hour on the floor of my bathroom And then ripping up all the clothes and gifts he gave me
But I kept a book to burn Whenever I needed a release A release from the anger, frustration, and sadness that I felt
But this helped my realize What had happened to her Happened to me by the same man
But I was in denial
Mine doesn’t count because He was my boyfriend And It didn’t always last very long It didn’t always involve my vagina It didn’t always involve penetration
But it also didn’t involve consent It didn’t involve me saying yes It involved me screaming no and pushing him off me It involved me giving in after repeated pressure
It involved me being assaulted
I had finally realized But I tried to focus on school Recycle my hurt with drive It somewhat worked I was succeeding in school But burying the pain
No one seemed to look at me I felt more insecure than before I guess that’s what happens after I never thought I would know what that felt like I always thought I was strong It would never happen to me
When someone finally paid attention to me I kissed them when I shouldn’t have I knew I shouldn’t have But I craved the soft touch of someone’s lips on mine
But this wasn’t it It was forceful and heavy I don’t know why I did it We just kissed But I didn’t enjoy it Then why did I do it again
I was searching for anyone or anything To fill the void he left
I still thought about him daily When we would sing and dance in just our underwear When he stroked my hair behind my ear and told me I was beautiful When I would fall asleep in his arms and feel like everything was finally right But it was wrong
Over the summer I tried to use someone to forget But I wasn’t ready And it was weird tbh I had a panic attack
But I didn’t want him to have control over me as Body count: 1 But even with body count: 2 I couldn’t forget him or what he did to me