Why do we still have this tradition? Why is it that we’re supposed to hook up with each other while blackout? It’s a recipe for disaster. Something was always going to happen. Every time we do this, I always have to make sure people are safe and not doing dumb shit. But no one came to help me when I needed it. I knew I didn’t matter much to them, I was just another face in the crowd, but I didn’t realize their apathy went this far. My friends said I wasn’t that drunk. Maybe they just didn’t notice because it was two queer girls. Maybe I just didn’t matter enough for them to notice what was happening. I remember stumbling up the stairs from the basement and out the door with her, wondering why no one noticed I was way too drunk for this. Then I blacked in with my hands tied above my head, we were in her bedroom, and all I wanted to do was leave… I saw her over and over again after that party. She was just as smiley and flirty as she had been before that night. I thought she was safe, she was a sweetheart, she liked me, she was queer, she was unpopular, just like me. I still think she’s a good person. I still think I brought this on myself. She graduated five days later. I blocked her because I couldn’t stand how she kept hitting on me in Facebook and Instagram comments. I never told her why I stopped responding to her messages. I never told anyone how I felt about that night, and I never will. The only thing that would accomplish is making a whole lot of people feel guilty for something that’s really only my fault. After all, if I didn’t matter enough for anyone to notice what happened that night, why would anyone care now? Why would anyone go to the trouble of believing me?