You said that I was beautiful, as if that was all the defense you needed.
I am beautiful because I am powerful. I am beautiful because my soul is warm and bright and kind. This is what makes me beautiful. My skin does not make me beautiful. My resistance to you does not make me beautiful. My innocence in your eyes does not make me beautiful.
I am beautiful because I fight everyday with what you have left me. I am beautiful because I gather myself up and leave my bed on most days. I am beautiful because I have forgiven you.
And yet I will never be sorry for the things I do to protect myself. People tell me that your side of the story shouldn’t even matter, that what matters is the tears I’ve cried and the medication my parents have had to pay for and the frightening hospital visits with strangers asking me what’s wrong.
They want me to keep it in perspective.
But somehow I feel like we share something that no one else will ever understand, because they didn’t go through what we had to go through, the police and the questions and the fear and the ohmygod could it have been my fault, even though I know you probably still don’t see things the way I see them.
And in these moments, I just feel lost, because I want nothing to do with you, I want to just get on with my life, I want to just have a normal life, no attorneys, no phone calls, no crying in the night with my poor, poor mother, I want to go to class and see my friends, but it seems like such a privilege.
I wonder if I’ll ever get there. I feel like I’m getting closer every semester, but I feel like it’s always still out of reach, and I run and crawl and beg, but the wounds are too slow to heal and what’s left is just scars, and it hurts it still hurts sometimes it feels like gravity just stops and there’s nothing holding me down and i’m just floating around in a strange place with all of my pain.
I’m learning that beautiful sex isn’t about a checklist of questions to ask, it’s about kindness and honesty. I’m hoping we all learn it soon, especially you.
Kindness makes no exceptions. And sex is about kindness, and kindness is not about sex, but we’re taught differently, everything is about sex, and sex is about power.